


you've got the kind of kisses that I'd die for

by snflower



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: But no hate, Canon Compliant, Character Bashing, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, This fic doesn't pass the bechdel test somehow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 21:00:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18978265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snflower/pseuds/snflower
Summary: "She liked Sadie; she was fierce and she was attentive and while Abigail never actually followed her advice -that usually included killing or gelding someone- she always felt understood after one of their conversations."Abigail is in need of distraction, Sadie is a lonely soul.





	you've got the kind of kisses that I'd die for

**Author's Note:**

> Well well, hello!  
> Now what you're about to read was written several months ago, in February to be exact, and I'm only posting it now for no other reason than the fact that I'm finally feeling brave enough to put my work out there. While this is not my first fic, it's the first one in English to be published and I'm feeling a bit nervous at the thought. I would love some sort of feedbacks, positive or negative as writing is one of my favorite thing and I wish to get better at it!

Abigail was used to lying down next to Jack as the boy was falling asleep, even if she wasn't tired, she would always go to bed at the same time as he did. At the same time as she demanded him to be. Jack seemed to like the reassurance her constant presence gave him. Ever since he was a baby, he would always fall asleep quicker when put on her chest, the contact soothing him almost immediately.

 

But today, Abigail decided that she deserved break. And so she stood up right after Jack had fallen asleep. She wandered around camp, as aimless as she was desperate to find something to do- she secretly hoped for someone to yell around camp for some poker or for others to ask if she was up for a game of dominoes. Anything to keep her mind off any responsibilities she had, just for a little while.

 

Some days, it felt like the whole world was weighing on her shoulders.

 

“ _Protect the boy, feed the boy, help the boy, raise the boy,_

_ try to reason with the boy's father.”  _

 

The one who would rather get drunk and almost kill himself out on a job than to take care of who was his.

 

She walked past Javier playing on his guitar and decided to stop on her tracks for a few seconds, appreciating the music he offered. Abigail recognized the tune, a story of a young girl drowning in a river and how after some sort of false grief, her lover eventually moved on.

She always had found the lyrics sinister. Of course hearing them sang by drunk men out in the dark of some lugubrious saloons didn't help. But strangely, as of today she no longer found them so sinister, and sadly, she just found them realistic.

 

Because ever since Jack's birth, John had been acting like he was grieving- and maybe she had become the ghost of their story. The mother she was being the only thing he could see now that their future didn't seem as easy as their past. She was a ghost who resides in-between his denial and anger, the one haunting his avoidance.

 

Some days, it felt like she could barely breathe, like Uncle had been sitting on her chest. As if she was drowning but still had to keep going.

And she would, for Jack. Oh what she wouldn't do for her sweet boy. She would keep suffocating for him.

 

But for once, just this once, she scolded herself, she would leave him alone. Confident that nothing would happen as the camp was louder than usual for a normal night.

 

Once the song over, Abigail kept going, continuing her quest for distraction which had only been a failure for now. She kept on wandering around camp, she watched from afar as Kieran washed the tables for what seemed like the third time today. She only knew too well what he was doing- trying his best in hopes to not get kicked out of camp. It was a feeling they were all familiar with at some point in their lives within the gang. She remained silent, there wasn't much she could do for him. The fear of being rejected only left when you start belonging, when you're being trusted and that was something only he could achieve. She knew Kieran would be alright.

 

She thought about going to Hosea, maybe improvised a small reading lesson or just to talk with him. She always liked his stories, she knew they weren't always very veracious but it was never much about what he told but more about the way he did. 

She walked to Hosea's cot only to see the man sleeping soundly, she stood in the middle of the camp, finding herself silly for forgetting that he had been out all day trying to find a way to con these two families. He was definitely beat.

 

Abigail thought that if there was anyone out there, watching over her, whoever was didn't like her much today, or any day for that matter.

The girls were all sleeping, Arthur was out doing something only he knew what and she would have liked to go back to the campfire where Javier had been playing but John had settled there to drink and if the whole point of leaving Jack was to forget about her  _ job _ , the last thing she needed was to spend the night in his company.

 

She was walking back to her and Jack's bedrolls, ready to consider her entire search for entertainment a waste of time and good sleep when she spotted Sadie from afar, alone, and sitting next to one of the rarely used fires of the camp. Abigail contemplated the idea of joining her. After all she liked Sadie; she was fierce and she was attentive and while Abigail never actually followed her advice -that usually included killing or gelding someone- she always felt understood after one of their conversations.

 

Before she had even made a decision between sitting with Sadie and leaving her be, Abigail found herself making her way towards her, drawn to her like a magnet would be to a piece of metal.

 

“Good Evening Mrs Adler” She announced herself and Sadie looked up from what she had been staring at before putting it on her back pocket.

“Evening to you” she greeted. “How come you're not sleeping?”

“Don't want me there?”

Sadie shook her head, “It ain't nothing like that. If anything, you're one of the only two people I don't completely hate the company of.”

“Why thank you.”

“You're just usually asleep by now.” Sadie pointed out.

 

Abigail just shrugged in response. There wasn't much to answer. To say her patterns as a mother didn't allowed her to do much was an understatement, especially at night. She sat down next to Sadie, their backs to the log that was definitely meant for them to sit on, but for the moment Abigail didn't care.

 

“ I didn't feel like sleeping yet,” she explained. “So I thought I would join you.”

“You was walking around for a hour before doing so.”

“You're way too observant.”

“Or maybe you're just too obvious.” Sadie chuckled “is anything the matter?”

“Not really, just needed a break, but I guess I'm pretty bad at laying back- didn't quite know what to do with myself.”

 

Sadie nodded and a comfortable silence settled between the two of them. Quiet was always comfortable with Sadie, she noticed. It was easy and it was safe which was exactly what she had craved for all evening.

 

“What were you doing before I come here?” Abigail asked, eager to know what Sadie hid the second she saw her coming. Maybe she was just pushing her luck and Sadie would not answer her but she was never one to control her curiosity-induced urges.

 

Sadie reach out to her back pocket, revealing a small harmonica. “Arthur got it for me, told him I had lost mine in the fire, next thing I knew he hands me a new one.”

“He is a good one.”

“You should have fallen for him instead of Marston.” Sadie joked.

“I don't love John.”

 

She didn't. Why would she?

 

She repeated the words in her head. Again and again, somehow hoping that hearing them in a loop would help turning them into something believable. Something that would only make so much sense. With time, the words would turn into others. And the world she was living in wouldn't seem like such a pain. Exhausting was the task but at this moment nothing would feel better than denial. Or at least she hoped. 

  


"You doing okay?" Sadie eventually asked, rubbing Abigail's back soothingly after she realized the affects of her jokes.

“It's quite alright,” she reassured her, “it wasn't always like this. Before Jack- things were easier I guess.”

“You regret having him?”

“Hell no.” She almost felt offended. “I would trade this boy for nothing in life. Sure sometimes he gets on my last nerves, but he is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“And John?”

“I care for him, I do. I just wished he was not so goddamn useless as a father.”

“I'm sorry” Sadie said.

“I think it's the first time I heard you apologize.”

“Don't be an ass, I'm tryna be correct!”

 

Sadie laughed and she laughed with her. It felt good, letting go and opening up for a few minutes at least.

 

“Thank you” she put her hand on Sadie's knee, a simple gesture in an attempt to show her gratitude.

“For what?”

“Listening.”

“You've been listening to me complained for the past month. I owe you that.” Sadie declared, “you're quite the amazing woman.”

 

She remembered calling Sadie the bravest woman she knew, she also remembered how broken and lost she had been when she first came. She recalled how painful it was to hear her talking about ending her own life. It was not complaining she had been doing- it was coping. It was surviving. Her recovery was slow but she was getting back on her feet. Abigail admired her for that.

 

“The way you're still fighting today? It's nothing but strength in my eye.” She assured.

“I still find myself wishing I had died, either by the hand of an O'Driscoll or even by Micah, anything really. I got that dream the last couple 'nights-”

 

Abigail took her hands in hers, squeezing slightly in encouragement. She loathed feeling like she couldn't do more than literally hold her hands through this.

 

“I was back home, with Jake eating dinner and laughing like nothing is wrong when the whole house starts going down in flames. I get out, don't know how but I do. Except he doesn't.” Sadie paused to swallow thickly before continuing, “It feels like I'm only living to see Colm swing. Dunno what my life will be after that.”

“He will pay for what happened and all the others scums will too.” Abigail assured firmly. “And you will find meaning to life again.”

“It's not fair.” She said rather loudly compared to before, her anger slightly depriving her of her senses. “They get to live, even some men here get to live when he was a better man than half of these people! Why do I even get to live when he doesn't.”

 

“Don't you dare.”

 

She wouldn't let her go there, go this dark to feeling this guilty. As long as she had some say in the matter she would never let Sadie say such a thing about herself.

 

“I didn't know Jake, but I've come to know you. And if he loved you just as much as you loved him, he wouldn't want you to say that.” She heard Sadie scoff. “Look at me.”

 

“Sadie, please look at me.”

 

When she finally did, after what felt like eternity, Abigail let go of the hands she hadn't stopped rubbing since she grabbed them. Sadie escaping the warm touch only for a few seconds as Abigail cupped both her cheeks, forcing her to look at her in the eyes.

She saw there all the sadness shows by unshed tears, all the loneliness in the way her eyes refused to leave her for a single second.

Only for a moment though. She noticed her eyes, traveling quickly towards her lips and as much as she wanted to let herself give in to the distraction she had so craved for, she decided against it. That was not what she needed.

She brought Sadie back from her thoughts by putting a single strand of her hair behind her ear, shaking her head in a small attempt to make her understand.

 

That was  _ not _ what they needed.

 

“This is going to sound like the dumbest thing, but I promise you. When you love someone, you only want the best for 'em. It's as simple as that. Now you might not be alright for a while and that's okay. I told you, I'm here, anytime of any day. If you need a _friend_.”

 

“Thanks,” Sadie said, her voice hoarse and she scraped her throat from any trace of tears. “Thank you for that.”

 

Now she had no idea if Sadie was talking about her words or her silent rejection. After all, maybe that was not even what had been happening and Abigail just thought too much of a single look.

It wasn’t relief she felt when Sadie extracted herself from her touch and started to stand up, she wished it was. And while it wasn’t regret she still didn’t feel satisfied at the idea of letting Sadie go. Conflicted and confused she whispered a small _goodnight_ that she didn’t even think Sadie heard until a few seconds later, when the blonde turned around.

“We both deserve better but you, Miss Roberts, need to stop waiting around for the better to just happen.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for your time and hoped you didn't feel like you wasted it by reading this. Sadie/Abigail is probably my favorite rdr pairing and I hope I did them justice, at least a lil bit?
> 
> ps: I hope I made it clear that I didn't hate John, his actions pre-chapter 4 were questionable and I'm glad he ended up caring about his family. This fic takes place before all that though.


End file.
